“Just go”
“But I don’t get it...what have I
done?”
“Leave me alone, I have things to
do”
“But I need to know what…”
“JUST GO!”
Tears ran down my face as I walked
back home in a blank daze, unable to comprehend what had just happened. My
world had come crashing down in twenty minutes and I didn’t have an answer or
explanation for anything. Feelings of extreme desperation and abandonment came
over me as I tried to make sense of our last conversation, without much
success. As much as I tried to deny it to myself, I knew it would end. I’d
known it all along.
It was over. For good.
.
We’d been travelling together in my
car for the past three years. Everyday was similar: the same quick smile, the
silence in the car and the hurried “bye” as we parted ways at V.T station. It
never changed. He didn’t really show any interest in me beyond the cursory “hi”
and “bye” and I’d outgrown my teenage fantasy of wanting to be with him and had
other things to look forward to. Weeks would pass by with minimal conversation
but it was routine for us and I didn’t expect anything further.
Things changed recently in the last
few months.
“Why don’t you take my number, just
in case something comes up”, he said
I wasn’t really sure what
“something” was, but I took his number down without a second thought and forgot
about the incident in a few minutes.
One day he suddenly looked up from
the book he was reading.
“How did your exams go? Have your
results come out yet?”, he asked
His question caught me off guard
since my university exams had finished a couple of months ago and he had never
inquired about them.
“They were alright. I managed to
get a first class”, I smiled.
“Oh, that’s great! You studied
pretty hard for them”
The fact that this was a statement
instead of a question took me by surprise. I had no idea that he’d been
observing me study in the car all that while, since I’d assumed that he had no particular
interest in my life. That little tidbit of conversation led to many more in the
coming days and I looked forward to talking to him every day. He had always
come across as being tight lipped and sometimes even a little arrogant, so I
was surprised to discover how talkative and knowledgeable he really was. In the
midst of our conversation one day, I mentioned that I had to review ‘Aarakshan’
for a college assignment.
“Well I could go along with you, if
you like”, he texted later
My mind started to jump to conclusions
immediately, but I forced myself to think straight.
“Umm yeah, sure. I have to warn you that it
may be pretty boring” I texted back
“That’s okay, I’m sure I’ve seen
worse”
And that’s how Aarakshan was our
first date.
I remember being on tenterhooks the
entire day, prior to our movie “date” at night. Why had he asked me if I wanted
company? Had I indirectly hinted that I had wanted him to come along? What it
is this supposed to be? How am I supposed react? WHAT, in God’s name, am I
supposed to wear??! Needless to say, I was slowly losing it. The prospect of
going for a movie with someone that I’d liked all through my teenage years was
causing me to have a minor meltdown.
“So I’ll see you at ten then?” he
texted
“Yeah, see you downstairs”
I managed to hide the nervousness and
pulled myself together by the time I met him.
The night passed by like a dream. I
was so consumed by him that Ihad completely forgotten to pay attention to the
movie, and by the end of it I barely remembered a few scenes in between. We
talked all through the movie and for hours after it. I was instantly drawn in
by his quiet yet self assured demeanor. The silence in between our conversation
wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable and I was completely at ease in his presence. I
was finally happy for the first time in months.
It didn’t take long for the bubble
to burst.
“What is wrong with you? How can
you even THINK of dating him? For God’s sake, he’s 28! You cannot date him, I
just won’t allow it!”
“I don’t care about what you think.
I thought it was necessary to tell you and I’ve done that. I’m 22 and old
enough to take my own decisions!”
My parents hadn’t taken it well. My
mother despised him in every way possible, even though she couldn’t pinpoint
any particular flaw, except that he was “unnaturally quiet”. I should have
taken it as a telling sign but instead I chose to brush aside her belligerence
towards him and carried on to do what I thought was right.
I wish I’d listened.
The cracks in our three month
relationship started to show up soon enough.
“You’re too selfish and
self-centered. All you do is talk about yourself”, he told me one evening.
We’d had one of our usual arguments
about some trivial thing or the other. While I had a tendency to brush off
these things, he’d get angry and, bottle up his feelings and then refuse to
talk to me for the next few days. A certain kind of uneasiness had crept into
our short relationship, something that made me doubt myself every time I was
around him, but I was bent on making it work in spite of everything. I was
determined to give it my best shot.
I should have known better.
“You’re a waste of my time. I don’t
want to do this anymore.”
.
He was the one.
I was 16, not quite old enough to
know the ways of the world but I knew that we’d complement each other in every
way. I sat up every night to talk to him online, if he did come online at all.
I couldn’t muster up the courage to talk to him face to face and I’d try to
hide whenever he passed by. I dreamt about him constantly. He was all that I
wanted and I had a strong gut feeling that we’d be together some day. There was
just something about him and I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I spent many
sleepless nights lying awake in bed, thinking about him.
Finally, one day…
“Hi”, he said, as he casually
walked past after a game of basketball.
I stopped still in my tracks,
unable to believe what I’d just heard
“Hey”, I whispered, unable to
control my hands from shaking.
I was so young and foolish.
She was the quintessential Miss
Popular, pretty and always surrounded by a throng of people. She could control
people as she liked and it’s almost like they were at her beck and call, ready
to do almost anything for her. She could have almost anyone she liked, so why
did she eye him? They were poles apart,nothing like each other at all. We knew
that we both liked him and we’d talk about him for hours after school but given
the age difference, it was impossible for us to imagine that we’d ever have the
chance to be with him. A teenage crush, that’s all he’d ever be for us.
Until.
“You know Mikhail asked me out last
night”, she told me as casually as possible, while studying my face for an
appropriate reaction.
My mind went blank.
.
As I sit writing this, I can’t
believe the kind of impact he’s had on me for years. I’ve never allowed myself
to get affected by either people of circumstances, and I’m amazed by the extent
to which he’s made me doubt myself. My self- esteem has been shattered and I
feel lost and lonely for the first time in years, desperate for an answer to my
unending questions. I made a serious error in judgment and allowed myself to be
taken in by his quiet charm. I was dependent on him for any kind of approval or
support, and it kills me to recall all the pain that I put myself through to
make it work.
Never again.
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